


Please make my heartbeat fucking kickin'

by Joy_pastel_Sol



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Grinding, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Tension, Smut, Sort Of, angst somehow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 20:09:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13818537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joy_pastel_Sol/pseuds/Joy_pastel_Sol
Summary: He did not want to talk. Instead, he tangled his hand in Jaebeom’s chocolate-coloured hair, feeling the texture. He wanted to caress him everywhere. He still stated unabashedly, voice a little raspy:“I find you extremely beautiful.”





	Please make my heartbeat fucking kickin'

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND DRUGS

There was this guy in his class of Social Law. He had handsome features, in his opinion. Kind of the bad boy type, appearance wise. Jaebeom. He seemed also mysterious, secret, and it was attractive. Something like that. He was certain Jaebeom would never look at him. There was nothing to look at or to love anyway.

When the teacher, a Tuesday morning, paired them for an assignment due for the end of the year, he was surprised and internally happy. He has planned to work with the boy at the university library, but as soon as they talked-for the 1st time, he thought- he asked him that they met at his home. Libraries were not his thing, he said. Jinyoung accepted with a heartbeat too fast and sea waves crashing in his brain. He must look stupid.

 

Jinyoung knocked on this door twice, and waited several seconds before Jaebeom came up. The latter wore black sweatpants with a white T-shirt and he wondered how he could look so cool dressed as casually as that. « Come in. » he said. Jinyoung made a smile and entered rather timidly. He removed his shoes.

« We can go in the kitchen, no? » Jaebeom asked.

He nodded, too intimidated to trust his voice.

Once settled around the table, Jaebeom took what seemed to be a cigarette, then lighted it up. In the house. He handed Jinyoung the package of cigarettes, as if he asked his if his guest smoked, but Jinyoung refused politely. Actually, Jinyoung was kind of annoyed because he did not like the smell of the smoke and the no-healthiness of it. But he liked Jaebeom, so he did not say a thing.

They started to work on the project, looking for ideas, subjects and so on while smoke hanged in the air. Jinyoung was feeling mildly nervous all the time, not really daring to talk like he normally would with a friend. Jaebeom was a handsome guy and on a higher level than his own, it felt like.

After a little while, to his dismay Jinyoung really needed to pee, but he did not dare to ask for the bathroom. It was silly, everyone needs to pee, but he hesitated some minutes before interrupting Jaebeom.

“Sorry, euh, can you tell me where is the bathroom?”

He felt ridiculously a little bit embarrassed, like he was breaking a secret or something. Jaebeom briefly rose his eyebrows, and said:

“It’s upstairs, first door on the left.”

“Thanks.” 

He climbed upstairs then, to arrive in a corridor, with pastel blue walls. Suddenly, he did not remember what Jaebeom has said. Right? Left? Second door or first one? He could not go back downstairs and ask again, He would sound stupid. So, blindly, he chose to open the first door on the right. Unfortunately, he found another room, a bedroom apparently. He stayed at the entrance. It was a boy’s bedroom, Jaebeom’s bedroom surely.

Then he saw Jaebeom’s bag on the chair. So, it was Jaebeom’s bedroom. It was a little bit silly, but he felt quite thrilled to be here, in his very own bedroom. He eventually stepped inside. At the foot of the bed, some magazines caught his eyes. When he got closer, it appeared that the one on the top showed a lot of…skin. And not only women’s skin. And more than a lot, actually. He could not help thinking oh, even him, although he knew it was a normal thing every guy did. But still, it was like, he uses his dick too. Out of curiosity, Jinyoung took it and opened it. Who is still using magazines for that nowadays?

Suddenly, a voice behind startled him and made him jump, as did his heart in his chest. “Do you see something you like?”

He turned around quickly, cheeks red from being caught and paper still in his hands.

“Ah, I-I didn’t remember the door, so I…Sorry…” He tried to explain.

Leaning against the door frame, cigarette almost consumed in hand, Jaebeom was looking at him with an amused gaze and lips curled in a smirk. It was cliché somehow but he felt like melting.

“You can take it if you want.” He said, head pointing to the magazine.

Jinyoung realized he was still holding it. Truly, his cheeks had never been so hot.

“W-what no, I mean, I don’t…why would I…”. He embarrassingly dropped the shameful object where it belonged.

Jaebeom stepped forward.

“It’s alright to touch yourself, you know.” He stated.

The guest could not believe he said that so offhandedly. He looked at the wall, then the desk, then Jaebeom, then the floor.

“Why did you say that?” Jinyoung blurted with a shaky voice.

“I don’t know, you seem embarrassed.” Jaebeom continued: “Anyway, the bathroom is just here.”

“Ah, yes, alright…Thanks.” He managed to mumble, walking past Jaebeom and heading to the toilets.

 

True to be told, he waited a little bit, after he has finished to pee, before going back downstairs with Jaebeom. He could not look at him in the eyes, the atmosphere became sort of awkward now and he was feeling even shier. They worked in silence for a while. Then unexpectedly, Jaebeom asked:

“Did I annoy you earlier?”

Jinyoung hesitated, eyes locked on the table.

“N-no, not annoyed…I was just a bit embarrassed like you said, that’s it.”

He raised his eyes and saw Jaebeom watching his intently, like he was looking for something.

“Can I ask you something?”

Jinyoung frowned his brows, unsure: “Yes?”

“Have you ever done things with someone?”

“Things?” He repeated, not certain to understand.

“…nasty things.” Jaebeom explained.

Jinyoung cursed internally.

“…no.”

“Really, nothing? Even kissing?” He kept on, feeling bold apparently.

Jinyoung eyes dropped a millisecond to his lips. Pink. And rather plump.

“Neither. Why?”

“I’m just curious.”

He secretly feared Jaebeom found his lack of experience disappointing in some ways. And he did not know how to react to this attention towards him. It was clearly a situation that did not happened often, and he was feeling confused. But it felt nice.

“But do you want to? I mean, trying things?” Jaebeom questioned again.

Jinyoung watched him with round eyes and crossed his legs nervously.

“I-I’m not against it…I just…” He stuttered.

“I can help.” The other boy blurted out, eyes emotionless.

Suddenly, a heat settled in his stomach and his heart and his cheeks.

“W-What? Why would you…? Is it a bet or something?”

Jaebeom shook his head.

“It’s not. I’m sincere.”

Jinyoung frowned and temporally closed his eyes.

“I don’t understand why…I’m not really pretty…” He thought about the scars on his upper thighs. 

“Listen, it’s not a big deal. I see the way you look at me, and you’re really cute, and we could relax together. I think you need to relax. You bite your nails constantly. And I saw the cuts on your arm.”

He looked at Jaebeom with furrowed brows, feeling like he was being caught.

“I’m not judging you, you know.”

A part of him told Jinyoung that it was unreasonable, impulsive, He was not even objectively close to this guy, Jaebeom was just very good-looking and discerning too. But on the other hand, why not? It could add a little spice to his life, something exciting, new. Someone new. His heart was racing.

“O-okay.” He breathed. My god.

It was a little bit surreal. It was not extraordinary, but it was still more than his imagination could have conceived.

“I have some relaxants so you will feel better.” Jaebeom offered.

“You mean drugs.” He replied.

Jaebeom laughed trough his nose. “Kind of.”

Jinyoung knew it would be only this time. It was tempting to escape from reality, to be reckless one time, less empty.

“I, I will try it.”

Jaebeom smiled again and went upstairs. He then came back with a small box. He opened it and took a greenish pill between his fingers. “Here, swallow it.” he instructed while handing him the tiny capsule. Jinyoung hesitated before taking it and putting in in his mouth, but he eventually did.

“Maybe it will be better on the couch.” Jaebeom suggested, voice gentle.

Jaebeom stood up and presented his hand. Jinyoung stared at his fingers, then his face. He suddenly thought that maybe he wanted to drug him to rape him after all, and he regretted his choice.

Jaebeom seemed to hear his mind because he said: “I won’t take advantage of you, if ever you wonder.”

Jinyoung’s brain was registering everything Jaebeom said but his body did not want to move. He was feeling more and more inhibited by the seconds, mind becoming cloudy.

“Come on the couch, it will be better than the floor.”

This time Jinyoung complied and he stood up to sit next to Jaebeom. He knew he was so relaxed because of the drug, but he was nonetheless. He let his head rest on the sofa backrest and closed his eyes.

“You ‘okay?” Jaebeom ensured.

Jinyoung hummed in response. He was very okay, he would add. 

He opened his eyes and stared at Jaebeom’s neck, unexpectedly fascinated by his protruding Adam’s apple. It was so attractive, gosh. He wanted to lick it. But it was inappropriate (or not?). The pill really had some effects, he thought.

Without wanting this thought to actually leave his mouth, he stated: “I want to lick your Adam’s apple.”

Jaebeom looked at his with an unimpressed look, but the small grin his lips were drawing showed that he found it amusing.

“Oh my- I can’t believe I said that, I’m sorry, it was weird. Sorry.” Jinyoung hurriedly apologized with a sluggish voice after realizing what He had say.

“Don’t be.” Jaebeom reciprocated. 

Jinyoung looked at him with lazy but serious eyes, kind of overwhelmed by the silly emotions Jaebeom created inside of his (and the green capsule). He was touched by how sort of kind, caring he acted towards him. He never felt like this and it warmed his core. He felt alive, as cliché as it sounded.

“Just be you.” He stated.

It felt like a punch in the heart, but a good punch. He never met someone so laid-back and honest before. It was very nice and refreshing, and addictive too.

“You can lick it, by the way.” He said with a grin.

“I’m too embarrassed now.” He giggled shyly.

Jaebeom hummed briefly, and Jinyoung kept on talking:

“The pill is…it’s effective.”

Jaebeom smiled, starting to feel a little high because of his second “cigarette”.

“Sure it is.”

“Sorry if I’m looking silly.” Jinyoung said lightly, but he seemed to mean it.

“Hey, stop apologizing.”

There was a pause, then. He closed his eyes again, feeling a warm buzz of comfort blooming in his chest. And, Jaebeom wanted to know:

“Why do you cut yourself?”

It was blunt to ask that, but the drug made his less self-aware, and the question was not tainted with an accusatory tone, so he responded honestly:

“I suppose I don’t like myself a lot. Maybe you think I’m crazy.”

He did not think cutting himself was a huge issue, frankly speaking. It was just an unhealthy way of dealing with negative emotions and stuff. But nothing more than that.

“And I didn’t do it for 2 weeks.” He continued, “It just…it happens sometimes.”

He felt like Jaebeom understood.

“I don’t. Show me your scars.” He asked unexpectedly.

Jinyoung let his head turn towards him again and open low-lidded eyes. Without thinking, he rolled up his left sleeve. Reddish scars appeared on the inside of his arm, but nothing serious.

Jaebeom leaned his bust forwards and delicately took his wrist around his somehow thick fingers, before kissing a tiny scar. Then another. And another. Jinyoung was shocked, from the feeling and the warmness of the lips, and from the genuine concern about him the gesture seemed to show.

He was completely still, staring at Jaebeom’s hair. Why would he care about his though? Maybe it was the cigarettes. Maybe it was just the spur of the moment. He wanted to touch him. Without thinking, he reached for his scalp and grazed his fingertips against his hair, and Jaebeom’s ears were so damn pretty, what the hell. The latter did not reject his touch and kept on pecking his skin, so Jinyoung caressed more confidently the shell of his ear. It turned a beautiful red under the pad of his fingers and he heard Jaebeom hum, apparently pleased by his ministrations. He wanted to hear this sound again, and more preferably. The desire to give Jaebeom pleasure hit his suddenly. 

Jaebeom lifted his head from his arm, and Jinyoung watched him, mesmerized. Maybe the drug altered a bit his judgement (he did not think so), but Jaebeom looked genuinely handsome. The two freckles just above one of his eye were a cute and unexpected detail, and he was oddly fascinated by his whole features. He knew this fascination was one of the effects of the drug, but he could not help it. Jinyoung’s gaze was focused with intensity the other’s face, and he did not even feel shameful for that. Jaebeom stared at his eyes in return, as if he was looking for something.

“Damn, you’re really high.” He eventually said.

Jinyoung kept on staring, eyes wide and raw, while humming in approbation.

He did not want to talk. Instead, he tangled his hand in Jaebeom’s chocolate-coloured hair, feeling the texture. He wanted to caress him everywhere. He still stated unabashedly, voice a little raspy:

“I find you extremely beautiful.”

Jaebeom smiled and thanked him.

“Do you want to feel?” he asked on purpose, knowing it was a cliché sentence you could find in a song, but that sounded appropriate at the moment. Jinyoung breathed a yes in return.

Jaebeom brushed his bottom lip with the pad of a fingertip. Jinyoung closed his eyelids a little, feeling turned on by the gesture. Thumb pressed slightly against the flesh of his lips, he opened his mouth to allow Jaebeom’s finger inside. He began to suck on it with dedication, but slowly and carefully, to avoid grazing his teeth against the skin. He felt an explosion of tingles on his neck and arms as he covered the thumb with his mouth and tongue. He hoped Jaebeom liked it.

Jaebeom slipped out his thumb, wet with saliva. Jinyoung watched him licking it dry. His eyes were so mesmerizing.

“Have anybody ever touched you down there?” Jaebeom wanted to know. His guest shook his head, eyes locked on him.

Jaebeom trailed a full hand on his thigh, stopping just below his crotch. Jinyoung’s heart raced faster and he felt himself becoming tingly. Jaebeom finally placed his fingers on Jinyoung’s clothed dick, starting to rub it languidly. His thighs tensed a little and he felt his stomach drowning. Jinyoung could not name the emotions he was experiencing, apart from the pleasure, the rest was a mess in his brain.

Jaebeom removed his hand and made Jinyoung lie down on the couch. The latter complied easily as Jaebeom hovered over him. Jinyoung held loosely his arms, and Jaebeom lowered his body until his hips were flushed against the other’s ones, and Jinyoung let out a breath he was not aware he held. The feeling of a boner -Jaebeom’s boner- on his own was new and arousing; and even though he knew it was not love, he felt like maybe he could be loved, for once.

Jaebeom started to roll his pelvis and Jinyoung tried to do the same and match his pace. He noticed Jaebeom’s lips were parted and he was panting a little. It reassured him, Jaebeom seemed to like this, the friction with his body. Someone liked it. He was not disgusted. His own breath was coming in short and frequent puffs and his heart was kicking. His weak grip around Jaebeom’s arms tightened a tad bit and Jaebeom let his head fall down against Jinyoung’s, hair brushing his profile.

Then Jaebeom stopped moving with no reason. He lifted himself up and asked, voice so low and eyes so endearing:

“Do you…?” He tugged slightly at the waistband of Jinyoung’s jeans. 

Still in a sort of haze and aroused, Jinyoung nodded silently without thinking. Jaebeom was less confident than previously. Jinyoung watched him unbutton his pants and zip them down for him, before removing them with his briefs while the guest lifted his hips. Jaebeom worked on his own jeans after, tossing them and his briefs on the floor, with Jinyoung’s clothes. The latter stared at Jaebeom’s dick with curiosity (pink, pink and hard) -he has never seen one before other than his own.

Jaebeom hooked his arms under Jinyoung naked thighs (and he remembered he has red angry scars on his thighs, but Jaebeom did not seem to care) and pulled Jinyoung against him quite firmly. Jaebeom lifted Jinyoung’s sweater just below his collarbones and Jinyoung realized he was very hard. Jaebeom did so, as he said in a breathy whisper, while lowering himself on him again and starting to rub the length of his boner against Jinyoung’s one: “You’re really aroused, uh.”

Jinyoung moved his pelvis back, the small amount of precum leaking form his disk coating Jaebeom’s erection. Jinyoung was gripping his shoulders now and it was so pleasant, feeling Jaebeom getting off against him, feeling a body so strong (it seemed) and warm on his body.

Unable to hold back, Jinyoung came a little bit after, with a small moan and shivering limbs.

Not a long time later, Jaebeom unexpectedly slowed down so much that his hips were barely undulating and he leaned forward. Jinyoung was only seeing his covered chest and he felt a hot liquid land on his naked stomach, as well as Jaebeom cursing breathily.

Jaebeom stayed still during a few seconds, before getting up slowly and looking for something to clean them. Jinyoung watched him, feeling confused and awkward all of a sudden.  
Jaebeom came back with napkin to remove the come on his and on his cock. “Sorry, I came on you.”

“It’s okay. T…Thanks”

The atmosphere has become kind of weird, and Jinyoung was feeling way too exposed. Jaebeom put his clothes on and handed his jeans and briefs to the other. Jinyoung was still laid down on the sofa. He quickly got up and dressed. It was not objectively making sense, but he was feeling shy now. Jaebeom seemed also a little bit lost.

“Hum, I think I, I will…go...” He said.

Jaebeom turned towards him, hands in his pockets and cheeks reddish. He was beautiful.

“O-okay…see you tomorrow, then I guess? For the assignment…” Jaebeom stuttered.

“Yes, sure. Th-thanks again.”

Jinyoung took his things and left, confused but strangely happy. Maybe someone could love him, perhaps he could be less lonely et empty. But he was still afraid it was all an illusion, that these feelings were all in his head and that Jaebeom had no consideration for him. Maybe Jinyoung was a mistake for him, probably. Regret started to creep in his guts. He felt so bad, so dirty all of a sudden.

 

He cut himself again tonight, emotionless.

**Author's Note:**

> I already posted this, but it was with a girl character instead of Jinyoung, and I actually did not like it haha. So I just post this version, not really different otherwise ^^ I hope it's not total garbage.
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos~  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> My twitter is [@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7)  
> Also posted on AFF (JoypastelSol) and Tumblr (joypastelsol)


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